Case Management

Domestic violence is defined as a deliberate pattern of behavior used by one person in an intimate relationship to gain or maintain power and control over their partner. These behaviors can occur during the relationship or continue even after it has ended.

Below are the common types of abuse that may occur in a domestic violence situation:

Physical Abuse

Intentional acts that cause or threaten physical harm to a partner.

Examples include:

• Hitting, slapping, or punching

• Spitting or throwing objects

• Pulling hair

• Damaging personal property

• Hurting pets or animals

• Using a weapon or threatening to use one

Emotional Abuse

Behaviors meant to manipulate, intimidate, or damage a person's emotional well-being or sense of self-worth.

Examples include:

• Name-calling or insults

• Threats or intimidation

• Isolating a partner from friends or family

• Monitoring movements or social interactions

• Excessive or unwanted texts, calls, emails, or DMs

• Undermining confidence or self-esteem

Sexual Abuse

Any unwanted sexual activity or behavior that occurs without full, informed, and voluntary consent.

Examples include:

• Rape or coercion into sexual acts

• Controlling what a partner wears

• Accusations of cheating used to shame or control

Verbal Abuse

The use of words to hurt, threaten, or demean another person. Often an early warning sign of escalating abuse.

Examples include:

• Yelling, swearing, or name-calling

• Threats of harm or violence

• Blaming the partner for the abuse

• Spreading falsehoods or lies about the partner

Gaslighting

A form of psychological manipulation that causes someone to doubt their own thoughts, perceptions, or sanity.

Examples include:

• Denying past abuse or events

• Telling the victim they're "too sensitive" or "crazy"

• Twisting facts to create confusion and self-doubt

Financial Abuse

Controlling a partner’s access to financial resources in order to limit independence or create dependency.

Examples include:

• Preventing a partner from working

• Controlling all income or spending

• Ruining the partner’s credit

• Sabotaging employment or harassing them at work

Domestic violence isn’t always obvious at first. In the early stages of a relationship, abusive behavior can be subtle or masked by charm, making it difficult to recognize. Often, possessive and controlling behaviors emerge gradually and escalate over time.

Because every relationship is unique, abuse may look different from one situation to another. However, a common thread in abusive relationships is the use of multiple tactics to gain power and control over a partner.

Common Warning Signs of Abuse

A partner may be abusive if they:

• Constantly criticize you or say you can never do anything right

• Show extreme jealousy or suspicion, especially when you're with friends or family

• Try to isolate you by discouraging or preventing contact with loved ones

• Insult, demean, or shame you through name-calling or put-downs

• Control all financial decisions or restrict your access to money

• Take your money or refuse to give you money for basic needs

• Use threatening looks, gestures, or behavior to intimidate you

• Try to control where you go, who you see, or what you do

• Prevent you from making your own decisions or expressing your opinions

• Threaten to harm or take custody of your children

• Sabotage your ability to work or go to school

• Damage your belongings or threaten to hurt your pets

• Intimidate you with weapons such as guns or knives

• Pressure or force you into sex or sexual acts you are not comfortable with

• Pressure you to use drugs or alcohol against your will

Remember:

Abuse is never your fault. If any of these signs sound familiar, you are not alone—and support is available.

The Power and Control Wheel is a powerful visual tool that illustrates the patterns and tactics commonly used in abusive relationships. It helps explain how abuse operates beyond physical violence—through emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual control.

What It Represents

At the center of the wheel is the core motive of domestic violence:

A desire to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Abusive individuals may believe they are entitled to control their partner’s actions, decisions, relationships, and access to resources. This sense of entitlement is used to dismantle equality and create a dynamic where the survivor feels fearful, dependent, and undervalued.

Abuse Is a Learned Behavior—Not a Loss of Control

Abuse is not about losing control—it’s about choosing control. It’s a learned behavior that may be modeled in families, communities, or media. However, many people who witness abuse make the conscious decision not to repeat it.

While issues like substance abuse or mental health conditions may worsen violence, they do not cause it. Blaming external factors takes responsibility away from the person choosing to harm.

No matter the circumstances, abuse is never justified—and never the survivor’s fault.

The Wheel in Action

The Power and Control Wheel outlines eight common tactics used to reinforce control in abusive relationships:

• Emotional Abuse

• Isolation

• Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming

• Using Children

• Male Privilege (or Gendered Power)

• Economic Abuse

• Coercion and Threats

• Intimidation

Each section of the wheel represents a method that, when combined, creates an environment of control and fear.

People who have never experienced abuse often ask, “Why don’t they just leave?” The truth is, leaving an abusive relationship is often far more complex—and dangerous—than it appears.

Because abuse is rooted in power and control, the act of leaving can provoke a violent reaction from the abusive partner. In fact, the risk of serious harm or homicide often increases when a survivor tries to leave. But beyond this very real danger, many survivors face multiple emotional, financial, cultural, and systemic barriers to leaving.

Common Reasons Survivors Stay

Fear

A survivor may be afraid of what their partner will do if they leave—physically, financially, or emotionally. Threats of harm, retaliation, or stalking are often used to keep them in the relationship.

Belief That Abuse Is Normal

If someone grew up in a home where abuse was common, they may not recognize that their relationship is unhealthy or abusive. They may not know what a safe, respectful relationship looks like.

Fear of Being Outed

In LGBTQ+ relationships, an abusive partner may threaten to reveal the survivor’s sexual orientation or gender identity, especially if they have not come out to others.

Shame or Embarrassment

Admitting abuse can be incredibly difficult. Survivors may feel ashamed for “allowing” the relationship or worry that family and friends will judge or blame them.

Low Self-Esteem

Abusive partners often break down a survivor’s confidence over time. Constant criticism, blame, and emotional abuse can lead survivors to believe the abuse is their fault or that they don’t deserve better.

Love and Hope for Change

Survivors may still love their partner and hope things will get better. Abusers can be charming, especially at the beginning, and many survivors simply want the abuse to stop—not the relationship itself.

Cultural or Religious Pressure

Some survivors may feel obligated to stay in the relationship due to cultural expectations, religious beliefs, or fear of shaming their family or community.

Language or Immigration Barriers

Non-English speakers or undocumented individuals may fear deportation, face language barriers, or worry that reporting abuse could jeopardize their immigration status.

Lack of Resources

Financial abuse is common. Survivors may not have access to money, housing, transportation, or childcare—making it feel impossible to leave.

Disability or Health Concerns

If a survivor depends on their partner for physical care, mobility, or daily support, they may feel their safety or survival is tied to the relationship.

The Bottom Line:

No one chooses to be abused, and no one deserves it. Leaving isn’t as simple as walking away—it takes planning, support, and safety measures, which is why our advocates are here to help.

What You Can Do to Help—Without Judgment or Pressure

It’s never easy to know how to help someone you care about who is experiencing abuse. You may feel helpless, angry, or afraid for their safety. But your support—when offered with empathy, patience, and without judgment—can make all the difference.

Here are some essential ways to help:

1. Acknowledge the Situation and Listen Without Judgment

Let them know you see what they’re going through and that you believe them. Validate their feelings and reassure them that they are not alone. Abuse is never the victim’s fault, and being a steady, compassionate presence can help them feel safe opening up.

2. Avoid Blame or Pressure

It’s important to respect their decisions—even if you don’t agree with them. Survivors may stay in or return to abusive relationships many times for complex reasons. Your role isn’t to fix or rescue them, but to support them in their journey, without criticism or guilt.

3. Continue Supporting Them After They Leave

Leaving an abusive relationship doesn’t always bring immediate relief. Survivors may feel grief, loneliness, or doubt after separation. Be there for them through this emotional process, offering continued encouragement and companionship.

4. Encourage Healthy Connections

Invite them to spend time with family and friends outside of the relationship. The more supported they feel, the more empowered they may be to take steps toward safety. A strong support system can help break the cycle of isolation and control.

5. Help Them Create a Safety Plan

Offer to help them think through a safety plan, no matter where they are in the relationship—staying, preparing to leave, or post-separation.

View Our Safety Planning Guide →

6. Connect Them to Professional Support

Encourage them to reach out to a local domestic violence agency, counselor, or support group. Offer to accompany them to court, legal appointments, or advocacy meetings. For referrals, you can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

7. Remember: You Can’t "Rescue" Them

As much as you want to help, only they can make the decision to leave or seek help. Your role is to stand by them with compassion and without judgment, no matter what path they choose. The most meaningful gift you can offer is your belief, your patience, and your ongoing support.